My Life

“Hello?”

“Hi honey, this is Daddy, Is Mommy near the phone?”

“No Daddy, She’s upstairs in the bedroom with Uncle Paul “

After a brief pause, Daddy says, “But honey, you haven’t got an Uncle Paul”

“Oh yes I do, and he’s upstairs in the room with Mommy, right now”

Brief Pause

“Uh, okay then, …this is what I want you to do. Put the phone down on the table, run upstairs and knock on the bedroom door, and shout to Mommy that Daddy’s car just pulled into the driveway”

“Okay Daddy, just a minute”

A few minutes later the little girl comes back to the phone.

“I did it Daddy”

“And what happened honey?” he asked

“Well, Mommy got all scared, jumped out of bed with no clothes on and ran around screaming. Then she tripped over the rug, hit her head on the dresser and now she isn’t moving at all!”

“Oh my God!!! What about your Uncle Paul?”

“He jumped out of the bed with no clothes on too. He was all scared and he jumped out of the back window and into the swimming pool. But I guess he didn’t know that you took out the water last week to clean it. he hit the bottom of the pool and I think he’s dead”

***Long Pause***

Then Daddy says, “Swimming pool?”… Is this 8324 8437

Thanks,

Marat

Two Arabs are sitting in the window and middle seats on a plane.

The Arabs ask the Jew sitting in the aisle seat to get them a glass of orange juice so they won’t have to crawl over him. While he is up getting the drinks, they spit in his shoes.

When they are about to land the Jewish guy puts on his shoes and realizes what has happened. He complains to the Arabs,

“When will it all end? The hatred… the violence… the killing… the spitting in shoes… the peeing in orange juice…”

Thanks,

Marat

An old Arab lived close to New York City for more than 40 years. He would have loved to plant potatoes in his garden, but he is alone, old and weak. His son is in college in Paris, so the old man sends him an e-mail. He explains the problem:

“Beloved son, I am very sad, because I can’t plant potatoes in my garden. I am sure, if only you were here, you would help and dig up the garden for me.
I love you,
Your Father”

The following day, the old man receives a response e-mail from his son:

“Beloved Father,
Please don’t touch the garden. It’s there that I have hidden ‘the THING’.
I love you, too,
Ahmed”

At 4pm the US Army, The Marines, the FBI, the CIA and the Rangers visit the house of the old man, take the whole garden apart, search every inch, but can’t find anything. Disappointed they leave the house.

A day later, the old man receives another e-mail from his son.

“Beloved Father,
I hope the garden is dug up by now and you can plant your potatoes.
That’s all I could do for you from here.
I love you,
Ahmed.”

Thanks,

Marat

I have somewhat of a collection of jokes, so I have decided (and I might not stick to it ) to post a joke maybe once or twice a week. Today I will post up two to begin with.

Memory

Three sisters ages 72, 74, and 76 lived in a house together. One night the 76-year-old drew a bath. She put her foot in and paused. She yelled down the stairs “was I getting into or out of the bath?”

The 74-year-old yelled back “I don’t know. I’ll come up and see.” She started up the stairs and paused. Then she yelled, “was I going up the stairs or down?”

The 72-year-old sat at the kitchen table having tea, listening to her sisters. She shook her head sadly and said, “I sure hope I never get that forgetful.” She knocked on wood for good measure. She then yelled, “I’ll come up and help both of you as soon as I see who’s at the door.”

Cannibalism

Three men lost in the forest were captured by cannibals. The cannibal king told the prisoners that they could live if they passed a trial. The first step of the trial was to enter the forest and get ten pieces of the same kind of fruit. So, all three men went separate ways to gather fruits.

The first one came back and said to the king, “I brought ten apples.” The king then explained, “Next, you have to shove the fruits up your butt without so much as an expression on your face, or you’ll be eaten.” The first apple went in, but on the second he winced in pain, and was killed.

The second one arrived, and showed the king ten berries. When the king explained the trial to him he thought to himself that this should be easy.

1…2…3…4…5…6…7…8…and on the ninth berry, he burst out in laughter, and was killed.

The first guy and the second guy met in heaven. The first one asked, “Why did you laugh? You almost got away with it!”

The second one replied, I couldn’t help it, I saw the third guy coming with pineapples.”

Thanks,

Marat